A Journey to a Better Me
It didn’t happen overnight. It happened slowly and gradually–a pound here a few more pounds there. My pants got tighter, so I just went up a size. It’s just part of getting older I told myself. As the years passed, I began buying clothes to hide the body I was stuck inside. One that I didn’t recognize. Over the past 12 years, I gained over 40 pounds and half of that has happened in the past 6 years. So when I found myself in December of 2023 unable to zip up my tall black riding boots because now my calf was too big, I knew I had a problem.
Somehow I was able to justify the larger size jeans and shirts, but now my boots? My shoes were the one thing left that I could feel good about. Enough is enough. I’m going to do something… I think. I had tried in the past and was never successful, so could I really do it? My friend had told me about her gym and how it’s not an ordinary gym. She was obsessed with it and was sure I would be too. Skeptical can’t begin to describe how I felt. I had done the gym, I tried the trainer, I walked the dog, I tried pilates and yoga. Nothing ever worked, so I had little faith this would be any different. But, I figured I can’t zip my boots, so what have I got to lose.
On January 11, 2024 I entered Fit Body Boot Camp in Norwalk for the first time. Knowing nobody, I walked in not having any idea what to expect. I was sure everyone else would be great and I’d look like a total fool. I remember the coach said it was “the ring of fire” for the workout that day and then he looked at me and said sorry that this is your first day. I don’t remember exactly what that ring entailed, but I do remember that I couldn’t move for a few days. Every muscle in my body was definitely on fire. I didn’t make it back until three days later when I I was able to move again, but I kept going. The goal is to work out three to four times per week.
I have definitely tried, but there have been weeks that I didn’t make it or didn’t make it for all of the days due to travel, injuries, being sick or just needing a break. BUT, I have kept going back!
In addition to the workout, we are supposed to track our food. We do special body scans to measure muscle, fat, water, etc. and your food goals are based on your results. This is where I struggle most. It’s hard to keep tracking food. I do well for a while and then fall off track. Sometimes it’s because I’m not eating the best and I don’t like to record it and sometimes it’s because I’m just getting lazy with recording in general. Either way, I have done it long enough that I was able to find out that some of the things I was eating that I thought were healthier things were actually not. The food tracking app has helped me know the impact of what I’m eating, so it does help me think twice about what I’m throwing in my stomach.
At almost 11 months in, what’s the verdict? Am I obsessed? I would say I’m dedicated and I don’t hate it, which is huge!
November 6th will be my 100th class. I have NEVER gone to any gym 100 times. So while I could easily say I should have been there 175 to 200 times, I’m giving myself credit for what I have done because I have never done it before. And it is working! I’m happy to say that I can now zip my boots and I have lost 15.5 pounds as of writing this. Besides the number on the scale, I have gained a significant amount of strength, sculpted my body more (oh look, a neck and a waist!), dropped a size in all of my clothes, and even improved and strengthened the knee I had surgery on. When I started, I couldn’t bend it completely and was still getting pain when standing. That’s all better now. I couldn’t run the length of the parking lot and back without being extremely winded and in pain, now I’m at the front of the pack. I couldn’t hold a 30 second plank, now I can do 1 minute 30 seconds. Seeing all of these little things that I couldn’t do and knowing I can now keeps me going back. Seeing my before and now picture makes me proud.
To go through an extremely stressful year and lose weight instead of gain is unheard of for me.
Throughout the past 10 years, food became my coping mechanism. I was always an emotional eater, but in the last decade it began to look more like binge eating. After a hard day, all I could do was count the minutes until Daniel went to bed and I could begin my nighttime snack routine, going from sweet to salty and back to sweet again, repeating it until I literally felt like I was going to throw up. I knew I was full, but I wanted one more taste of whatever the craving was. I lost control in these moments. Routines are hard for me to stick with, but unfortunately this was one that I had no problem with. It got me through the ups and downs of bipolar disorder and anxiety. This paired with medications packed on the pounds. It might take me another year or longer to make it to the 30 pound mark, but I’m going to keep trying. At the very least I know that it’s less about the number and more about how I feel and how my clothes fit.
What I tell myself is I’ll do a little better tomorrow.
If I fell off the wagon today with my food, I’ll do a little better tomorrow. If I didn’t make it to the gym one day, it’s ok, I’ll try to do better tomorrow. I have had to incorporate this into my life slowly and in a manageable way. I need to be able to give myself permission to take a day or two off if I need it mentally. Or my stomach may be revolting and not allowing me to eat what I “should.” I just keep trying… and somehow I’m not giving up this time!